A calf is born or how to scare the crap out of a cat

Today the weather turned back to its normal winter self. Bloody cold and windy and what else was there... oh yeah, it started to snow again. The local weather is brilliant, every day this week they ( the weather gurus) are calling for sun, clouds and a chance of snow every day... wow, how do they do it?
Anyway, I am getting ready for work when the man I sleep with calls to tell me that my cow (lets call her Bessie) has had a calf. I am so excited, a new calf. Is it a boy or a girl, where are those cigars? Is it too late to order balloons from the florist... ah forget it I'll just take her out a bagel, I know how much she loves those. Anyway, I say to the man in charge of the barn also the man I sleep with... (relax it's the same guy) give it a needle, give it a first defence ( I am good at giving orders... apparently)to be greeted with, I don't have time now, later. Those are the most dreaded words that I want to hear when it concerns my calf. Time is of the essence when you are dealing with livestock. Oh yeah, they look so tough and able on those National Geographic specials, but really, they aren't. Sometimes the will to survive is just not enough. Living on a farm (any type of farm, even fish farms) you see your share of life and death. That steak you ate tonight... took a lot of work to keep it alive and healthy long enough to kill so you could eat. Not a nice way to think of where your food comes from but anyway, back to my story. When Russel says "We'll do it later" panic strikes... did I shave my legs, anything stuck in my teeth, I'm only thinking that when the paramedics come I want to be sure that I am in prime condition ( remember your mother always said have clean underwear on). For going into a barn full of cattle, especially one who has just had a calf, scares the crap out of me! I remember one of the first times I went out to the barn to see a new calf. I hopped over the safety fence ( key word) and slowly walked over to the newborn and the mother standing over it. My first clue should have been the growling and the baring of teeth, really, I just thought she was smiling. Anyway, I walk around the barn with Russel all the time, I push the huge bales of straw or throw hay around while he sucks back a beer telling me to "hurry up", he was missing Dr. Phil (Naw, just joking, he doesn't watch Dr. Phil) and the cows never even looked twice at you. So I am walking towards this cow and calf saying things like "Ahhhh, you had your baby, it is so cute, it has your ears and papa's tail... ahhhhh... hey cutie how are y... that is as far as I got, for the words just dried up in my mouth as I realized that mama cow was pawing the ground, head down, eyes rolling back in her head as the want/need to kill me took over. All I can say is thank god I can move a little faster scared than that 1800 pound bitch mad! I dodged behind a support post, as she crashed into it head first, I rounded it and flew over the "safety" fence. She was right behind me ready to grab me with those fangs of hers (well they looked like fangs from where I was laying) and bring me back into the ring for round 2. Ever since that occasion I have (well OK there were a couple of other incidents) been terrified of the cattle beast. So, I get home from work and Russel is gleefully waiting for me. It is as if he has just got off the phone with his bookie knowing that he has placed a winning bet... a sure thing.... sure thing that I am probably going to get maimed while trying to needle this calf. I however have been thinking all morning about how I can get out of the deed. I have thought of cutting off one of my legs, but, not enough time. I thought of coming down with the "flu" but already used that one not too long ago. I was done for. I got into my barn clothes, see barn clothes are dull colours for a reason, you don't attract too much attention going in, and when you are running for your life you just become a blur, really nothing more than a clump of brown hay moving really fast across the yard. Sometimes I think the cows look at you and wonder at what you have been putting in their feed, must be the cheap drugs, 'cause they ain't getting the full effect. So we go out and get the ear tag, the drugs etc ready. Russel's brother is out there working in the shop. Ah Ha, a plan. I shake the box of cereal around, a lot, to make him realize that something is up. The cereal is a diversion. I feed the cows all our left over grain products (things like the end piece of bread that no one will eat) and all the veg clippings. When they see me coming they go crazy (on their side of the safety fence) and hop around trying to be the first to see what I have in the bag. So I ask Ron if he would please go in with Russel and needle this calf or at least help hold said calf if necessary, I told him I would even pay him the going rate... $5.00... thankfully he agreed. Off we went to the barn, I stood at the side away from where the calf was and shook the cereal box like I needed to dislocate my shoulder. All the cows came running, except (yep you guessed it) for the one I wanted to come over and have some cereal. It was a sea of long black tongues reaching for me like lost souls seeking refuge. Followed by excited snot blowing (from the cows not me)that landed on the sleeves of my barn coat (another reason to have barn attire). The two guys made their way into the barn and did the deeds that were to be done. The cow came over and stood very close but did not attack them, she would look at me with the cereal box and realized that well, she didn't really like cocoa puffs that much, the others could have them all today, she was needed at her baby's side. Maybe because she is my cow, maybe because she is younger than the others, maybe she was just in a good mood, maybe she just felt like all mothers do after giving birth, thank god that watermelon passing is over, for whatever reason she was OK with what was going on and left everyone alone. The calf, she, yes she, ( you have no idea how happy I am that it is a female and not a male, one day I will tell you the story of trying to move my bull calf over to the other barn for his "operation", 5 hours, 4 men and a couple of shots from the tranquilizer gun and it was done) got up and calmly walked away with mama. Phew, I am so glad that I survived another day of being a farmers wife. Did you know that farming is one of the most dangerous jobs on the planet? With all the machinery and animals not to mention the paper cuts from trying to rip open a box of cereal in haste, no wonder the farm population is dwindling.
Till next time, moooovinnngly yours,
Cat x